This storm

I've heard this song at least 1,000 times but tonight while driving to dinner I turned it up really loud and actually listened to the lyrics. This sums up my heart on many a days...


Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm  

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

And we wait...

Went back to the doctor today to see what the cyst is doing. We named it CeCe the cyst last week since apparently fertility meds and cysts create symptoms like pregnancy except I would only be giving birth to a 8cm cyst. Anyway, CeCe has not gotten bigger but has also not gotten smaller. Dr. Diehl is pretty conservative and doesn't want to operate on it unless it gets bigger/significantly more painful so the plan is to wait 4 weeks to see if it goes away then start Provera (progesterone to make me have a period) to start a new cycle. Basically means we won't be doing anything fertility wise for about 6 weeks (you take Provera for 10 days and don't start your period for about 4 days after) and all we do is wait. One one hand its another whole month wasted but on the other hand even 4 months of treatments has taken its toll on  me physically,mentally and emotionally so I'll take it as God's way of giving me a little break. My left ovary is and won't do anything while the right ovary is consumed with CeCe. Once we start this cycle in December it will be our last one before meeting with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) from Denver in January about injectable meds and IVF.  I would LOVE to think we weren't heading that route but my response to meds thus far is proving that its going to take more than "conservative IF treatment".

That's all thats new here. Todd will be gone most of November. He leaves Thursday for an air show in Miami (tough job huh?) and will be home about 4 days before going to Arctic Survival School in Alaska for 9 days. He'll get back just in time for Thanksgiving.

I'm always right

About my body. It's true. Since I was young I've never been wrong when I thought something was wrong. This month with IF (infertility) treatments everything has just been "off". I'll spare you the majority of the TMI details but my cycle didn't start right then about 3 days in I told Todd I felt like I had a cyst, I've had different (and worse) side effects with the meds and got a slight infection. So I go to Dr. Diehl this morning for my usual bi/tri monthly ultrasound and I tell him when he walks in the room, "I think I have a cyst on my right ovary". Being a typical doctor, he kind of brushes it off and says "we'll take a look'. Sure enough, BIG FAT 8cm cyst on my right ovary! What does this mean exactly? 1. I can't ovulate with a ginormous cyst so 2. this cycle is officially cancelled, 3. we keep monitoring the cyst to either shrink, burst, remove it or take ANOTHER drug to get rid of it. (We want it to shrink or burst).  I go back on Monday for another ultrasound to see what's going on. It just seems like its always something. The other big frustration with this is what I've previously said about IF drugs, you only get 4-6 months of them before you have to move on because they're not intended for long term use. So, in a nutshell, this was a wasted month. I could tell Dr. Diehl is getting frustrated/disappointed with my body's lack of/poor response to the drugs. We had our first discussion today about moving onto more time spent with Dr. Smith (the Reproduction Endocrinologist in Denver) to pursue injectable drugs/IVF. as well as the possibility of having to take more "break cycles" to give my body a rest from the stress of the drugs.  Why can't my body just work like its supposed to?? Why can't my body at least respond to the drugs like its supposed to?? Its just so frustrating and self defeating.

I hate feeling broken

We start our next cycle this week. Number 4

 Another couple in our squadron today announced that they were pregnant....the first month they tried. Some people make it seem so easy. And then there is me. I have to take a total of 3 different hormone based medications to even have the slightest resemblance of a "normal" cycle, keep a daily log of what cycle day I'm on so I know when to take what, when to pee on what and when to do you know what while going to the OBGYN to have 3-5 ultrasounds a month to time things down to practically the precise hour that my over medicated ovaries decide to release an egg to wait 2 long weeks to be told, once again, it didn't work this time. It's such a feeling of failure that I can't really explain.  I know getting pregnant takes time even when everything is working normal but when you have so much intervention you'd hope for more success than failure.

I wasn't even ready for all of this.

This wasn't our plan.

Sometimes I wish ignorance had just stayed bliss.

But His plan is greater than mine. His will is ultimate. And I will sit patiently in His grace, by His grace. And wait...

My new car is smarter than me!

This week has had a very unexpected event..we bought a new car!! We had been talking about it for MONTHS but have mostly just been waiting for 1. the right time to buy OR 2. something going horribly wrong with my Explorer that would cost more than its worth to fix. Fortunately (or unfortunately) both happened on Monday. So after having to make a fairly quick decision the Ford dealership here made us a great deal on a 2010 Mercury Mountaineer. Its basically a newer much nicer version of my Explorer :) It has some really smart, voice activated features. Here are a few pics.

It's going to be a loooong week

And I even have tomorrow off! Todd and I were supposed to go to San Antonio this past weekend for a wedding but due to the outrageous price of plane tickets we weren't able to but we had already put in our time off requests so went ahead and kept the days off which I'm really glad I did because we have a 2 day course this Saturday and Sunday that is 8-5 both days AND we don't get paid for going. Sounds fun right? And Todd has the big Operation Readiness Inspection (ORI) this week that they've been training for since they got back from deployment. SO GLAD it's going to be over soon! Needless to say, may not blog much this week.

We had a good weekend. Date night on Friday, pretty low key and football all day Saturday and they usual church and Bible study today. Eventful yet relaxing weekend.

If you're wondering where we are in this crazy IF (infertility) mess this is currently what is known as the 2 Week Wait (2WW). AKA waiting for either 1.my period or 2.pregnancy. Bet you really wanted to know that! Either way, I'll have an answer by this weekend :) If #1 happens (which my gut-no pun intended) says will then its likely the whole process of last month will repeat. I responded well to Femara so Dr. Diehl will likely not change too much. If nothing happens after probably 3 more months then I'll move on to injectable medications.

So there's your update in a nutshell :) Happy Columbus Day!

Just for the record

Fertility drugs SUCK! I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the way they make my skin look. I hate the 5 lbs of water weight they give me every month for 2 weeks. I hate them. Most of all I hate that I have to take them.

::steps off soap box::