Why can't failure NOT be an option?

The perfect cycle ended not so perfectly.

Exactly 14 days after our last IUI Aunt Flo decided to make her appearance. Didn't even need blood work to confirm the failure.  Naturally, I called Lyndee to let her know, left her a message and about 15 minutes later I was shocked when Dr. Diehl himself called me back! He sounded genuinely disappointed that I wasn't pregnant.  He wants to start the next cycle the same as the last and do another IUI. I have my appointment with Dr. Smith on Wednesday so she will actually do my ultrasound and adjust my meds this month how she sees fit. I'll also be talking to her about the possibility of doing a lap surgery and doing our IVF consult. It just seems surreal. I never thought we'd be at this point.

Todd is still in Vegas. He was so hopeful for this cycle (as was everyone). Its definitely harder dealing with ANOTHER failed cycle with him so far away. Fortunately for me, work is super busy so I don't have to think about it during the day much.

So what will I do this weekend NOT being pregnant? Drink a lot of coffee. Go for a long run. Deep clean the house. Drink wine.

Pink Glove Dance at Mt. Rushmore by Regional Health

Our hospital system did this "Pink Glove Dance" to raise awareness and money for Breast Cancer Research here in Western South Dakota. It was a lot of fun. The Rehab department is about 2min in, unfortunately you can't tell which one is me...but I'm there :)

Bittersweet Goodbye

Today we said goodbye to our sister squadron, the 37th Bomb Squadron as they leave for their rotation in deployment. While my heart goes out to the wives left behind as I have been in their shoes I can't help but also be sad because it means our countdown to Todd's next deployment also started today. The 34th BS will replace the 37th BS in July.

Yea..it's kind of like what they do to cows

Today was IUI#4. First of all, I have to say that I absolutely *love* Dr. Diehl. He's such an eternal optimist. (so is his nurse) You can tell he is one of those doctors that went into OB/GYN because he truly loves delivering babies and then went into infertility because he truly loves helping people get to that point. I feel very blessed that he is both my Reproductive Endocrinologist (in conjunction with "head honcho" RE, Dr Smith in Denver) and my OB/GYN. I feel like I get the best of both worlds.  Anyway, for my IF savy friends it was your pretty typical IUI. Todd did his thing around 3pm and I went in at 4pm then Dr. Diehl, MD student Dave and nurse Lyndee did the IUI. Dr. Diehl is so hopeful for this cycle. So much so that I will be extremely crushed if it doesn't work.  He said everything looked perfect, yes, perfect. I responded great to the new meds. My lining looked good. My follicles looked good. All my hormone levels have looked good.The ovulation trigger was perfectly timed and he referred to Todd's "awesome sample" as having "hearty sperm" HA! So now we wait.... Todd leaves for Vegas next Friday for 2 weeks so it will mostly be me waiting by myself.

But what is an IUI you ask?? Well, I'll tell you. Also known as an intrauterine insemination it is actually the very simple process of taking a sample of sperm and washing it which is pretty much glorified Darwinism as only the strongest, fastest, most motile sperm survive and injecting it via catheter inserted into the uterus.  Its like a combination of a HSG (see prior post) and a pap smear. It's over relatively quick, is more uncomfortable than painful and causes some mild cramping afterwards. Why do you do IUIs? When you're taking all these fertility meds you want to do everything you can to increase your chances of success. Bottom line.  It continues to amaze me that some people go through all of this and don't get pregnant and amazes me more that people don't go through all of this and get pregnant.

All Good Things

Today was the first time I've been to Dr. Diehl and he's only had good things to say! The 2 biggest concerns that he has had in all our other failed cycles are 1. poor uterine lining and 2. poor ovarian response (i.e MAYBE one good follicle on the right ovary only) Well today I went in for cycle day 10 (CD10) ultrasound and blood work. While he didn't say great he did say my lining was "a tad better" and my left ovary has apparently decided to wake up and do its job and actually has 3 follicles! Up to this point it has done NOTHING! My right ovary had 2 by the way. Overall he's very pleased with how my body has responded to the new meds. He said things were looking good and I go back on Wednesday for another check then we'll hopefully do the IUI on Thursday afternoon! For my non-IF savy blog readers I may give you a detailed post about IUI later in the week ;) Maybe these are all good signs...
I also finally scheduled our appointment with Dr. Smith when she comes to Rapid City Feb.2 for our IVF consult and to discuss if I need to do a lap surgery before we proceed.  Lots happening this week!

New Year,New Plan,New Meds

Today is my third day on injectable meds. Dr. Diehl decided to put me on Gonal-F and upped my HCG ovulation trigger for this IUI. I wasn't too worried about injectable meds. I've given myself my trigger so I didn't think it would be much different. I actually like the Gonal-F better because it comes in this nifty pen. You just dial the dose, pinch some thigh fat and away it goes! As opposed to the HCG trigger which is a long needle that gets stuck in pinched belly fat :/ As usual, I experience ALL the side effects...bloated,cramps,headache,fatigue, moodiness blah blah blah. It'll all be worth it someday right?

On a side note...Todd and I had to start discussing our next move last night. He's about 3 months away from having to submit his "official" list so he started looking at potential places we could go. For those of you that don't know, Todd is planning on taking a few years away from the B1 and going on an "Army Liaison Officer" (A-LO) tour. This gives him 1.diversity in his career and 2.gives us a chance to move somewhere other than Rapid City or Abilene for 3 years. We've discussed at length about going overseas. There are currently 2 Germany tours available. There is an amazing military hospital in Germany that I could work at too. That could be awesome :) But no thinking of, worrying about,stressing over that anytime soon. Todd will deploy again in July and we likely won't even  know if/when we'll move until the end of this year.

Another side note...other than IF blogs, my life is looking pretty boring for January. Todd at least gets to go to Las Vegas at the end of the month for Red Flag (play war).

Hope the first week of 2011 is treating you well!

2010 in the Rear View

Happy New Year! As I sit and type this I think, "wow! what a difference a year makes!". I thought getting through Todd's deployment would hallmark this year but January marks 1 year of us actually "dealing" with our infertility. I was diagnosed with PCOS so many years ago but it was one year ago this month that we finally took the steps to start this journey. Its kind of funny that this journey started a year ago and Todd wasn't even here for half of it! It really worked out the best way. I was able to do all the testing,procedures, medication "challenges" and inevitable waiting which conveniently took just enough time to be able to plan our first medicated cycle the week Todd returned from deployment (Since I'm anovulatory its not like we could have been "trying" in the mean time). I think on one hand Todd doesn't quite get how hard IF is on me since he missed all that but on the other hand I think it's helped the sanity of our relationship that he wasn't here for all that.  Blogging about our struggles I think has helped since it gives me a place to vent all my anger,frustration and heart break that infertility brings. As we start the new year we've seen 5 failed cycles including 1 cancelled cycle from a cyst and 3 failed IUIs. I'll start injectable medication this week and if this first cycle doesn't work then we'll meet with Dr. Smith February 2 to start talking about IVF, hoping it doesn't come to that.

 But enough about IF!  Here is a glimpse of all the happenings in the Saksa home over the past 12 months with a little reflection on the past year :)

Brody & Bella-this picture was taken early January 2010. They make life sweeter :)

The night before Todd deployed, having dinner with great friends.

The 34th Bomb Squadron deployed for Operation Enduring Freedom in January 2010. Todd personally flew almost 50 combat missions earning him the Air Medal and his first Oak Leaf Cluster. I've never been so proud to be his wife.

On Valentine's Day I ran the Austin Marathon and finished 3rd in my division! Other races I ran in 2010 included the Deadwood Mickelson Trail 1/2 marathon and the Leading Ladies 1/2 Marathon in Spearfish.  

In March I travelled to Las Vegas for a long girls weekend! I also turned 26 in March spending it here with just a few close friends. My sister visited during her Spring Break in the middle of March as well. It was her first time in the Black Hills.

In April I traveled to Chicago for the first time and met up with 2 of my dear sister in laws for shopping and eating :) Todd turned 27 all the way across the world.

Mom came and visited in May. Conveniently the same week that a huge storm flooded our basement. As we celebrated our 2nd anniversary my present was a clean/repaired basement. I also took on many house renovations while Todd was gone including painting the house, adding cabinet hardware, re-carpeting the upstairs and insulating/finishing the garage.

The love of my life returned to me in July after 6 months! 

The guys Welcome Home Party in early August!

We went on vacation in early August to Jackson, WY and visited Devils Tower NP,Grand Teton NP, Yellowstone NP and Bozeman,WY. We enjoyed white water rafting,hiking, biking and, of course, running :)

We bought me a new car in October! And had plenty of drama associated with it! When you live in the north 4 wheel drive is worth EVERY penny!

We traveled to Texas for about a week over Thanksgiving to see my family and enjoyed the warmer temperatures.

And then we celebrated Christmas at the squadron Christmas party in our formal wear. We traveled to Minnesota to see Todd's family for about a week and ended up spending the actual holiday just us and the furbabies. New Year's Eve treated us to a blizzard here in South Dakota so we stayed home all day and ventured out only to make it to a friend's house to ring in the new year with snacks, games and lots of laughs.  

Having hope and faith for a wonderful and blessed 2011.