I hate feeling broken

We start our next cycle this week. Number 4

 Another couple in our squadron today announced that they were pregnant....the first month they tried. Some people make it seem so easy. And then there is me. I have to take a total of 3 different hormone based medications to even have the slightest resemblance of a "normal" cycle, keep a daily log of what cycle day I'm on so I know when to take what, when to pee on what and when to do you know what while going to the OBGYN to have 3-5 ultrasounds a month to time things down to practically the precise hour that my over medicated ovaries decide to release an egg to wait 2 long weeks to be told, once again, it didn't work this time. It's such a feeling of failure that I can't really explain.  I know getting pregnant takes time even when everything is working normal but when you have so much intervention you'd hope for more success than failure.

I wasn't even ready for all of this.

This wasn't our plan.

Sometimes I wish ignorance had just stayed bliss.

But His plan is greater than mine. His will is ultimate. And I will sit patiently in His grace, by His grace. And wait...

My new car is smarter than me!

This week has had a very unexpected event..we bought a new car!! We had been talking about it for MONTHS but have mostly just been waiting for 1. the right time to buy OR 2. something going horribly wrong with my Explorer that would cost more than its worth to fix. Fortunately (or unfortunately) both happened on Monday. So after having to make a fairly quick decision the Ford dealership here made us a great deal on a 2010 Mercury Mountaineer. Its basically a newer much nicer version of my Explorer :) It has some really smart, voice activated features. Here are a few pics.

It's going to be a loooong week

And I even have tomorrow off! Todd and I were supposed to go to San Antonio this past weekend for a wedding but due to the outrageous price of plane tickets we weren't able to but we had already put in our time off requests so went ahead and kept the days off which I'm really glad I did because we have a 2 day course this Saturday and Sunday that is 8-5 both days AND we don't get paid for going. Sounds fun right? And Todd has the big Operation Readiness Inspection (ORI) this week that they've been training for since they got back from deployment. SO GLAD it's going to be over soon! Needless to say, may not blog much this week.

We had a good weekend. Date night on Friday, pretty low key and football all day Saturday and they usual church and Bible study today. Eventful yet relaxing weekend.

If you're wondering where we are in this crazy IF (infertility) mess this is currently what is known as the 2 Week Wait (2WW). AKA waiting for either 1.my period or 2.pregnancy. Bet you really wanted to know that! Either way, I'll have an answer by this weekend :) If #1 happens (which my gut-no pun intended) says will then its likely the whole process of last month will repeat. I responded well to Femara so Dr. Diehl will likely not change too much. If nothing happens after probably 3 more months then I'll move on to injectable medications.

So there's your update in a nutshell :) Happy Columbus Day!

Just for the record

Fertility drugs SUCK! I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the way they make my skin look. I hate the 5 lbs of water weight they give me every month for 2 weeks. I hate them. Most of all I hate that I have to take them.

::steps off soap box::

Add one more man to that list

Had my first monitoring ultrasound of this cycle today. Dr. Diehl had a student (as usual) who was, of course, male. :/ Plus Lyndee, Dr Diehl's nurse, there were 3 people in on this ultrasound. Awesome. It went well. Dr. Diehl said my ovaries/uterus look like they're responding better to the Femara than they did with the Clomid. I go back Thursday for another ultrasound, that one should tell a lot more. Got the results from Todd's semen analysis. I guess I should ask his permission to post about this but everything was normal so I doubt he'd care. So it's just me with all the issues...as usual...

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. Since I had my HSG Friday we just laid low that evening. Had some pizza and hung out with the neighbors. Saturday was the first Black Hills A&M Club "tailgate". It was great meeting new Aggies. The couple that hosted the event are actually from Desoto, Tx-my high school's rival and they graduated in the same HS class as my cousin. Talk about a small world. I was "elected" Vice President of Activities/Muster. I'm very excited about this because I have a HUGE place in my heart for Muster and was very sad I didn't attend one this year so I'm looking forward to planning next years. My first activity to coordinate was a game watching party for this Thursday since we will actually get the game live here! BTHO OSU! (Oklahoma State University for you Ohio people). Sunday after church we drove through Spearfish Canyon-the leaves are at they're peak and we rode the motorcycle. It was breath taking! Then we had our usual couple's Bible study and called it a weekend! The next month or so will be pretty uneventful for the Saksa's, nothing really big until Thanksgiving in Texas!

Too Many Men in my Business

My OBGYN is a man. And in the almost 3 months that I've been seeing him he has done a total of 6, count them, SIX pelvic exams/pelvic ultrasounds. For those that don't know what a pelvic ultrasound is it's where they insert an ultrasound wand into your vagina and are able to look at the uterus (specifically the lining) and the ovaries (specifically the follicles). I have to do these about 4 times during each cycle as it is the only way to really know how my body is responding to the medications. While I love Dr. Diehl there is always a little awkwardness since he is a man.

Today was my HSG and, of course, the radiologist was a man. The HSG was surprisingly not as horrible as I had made it out to be in my head. Granted it was NOT comfortable, but it was also not painful. And the very sweet doctor and nurse actually listened to my requests to hopefully make it less uncomfortable just based on how well general pelvic exams go (i.e using a pediatric speculum, how I lay, etc.) It really was just a glorified pelvic exam with different tools and a lot of cramping. The whole procedure was over in about 30 minutes and he showed me the results right there. Everything was normal. YAY! Except for that it still doesn't give any more information as to why my body is unable to ovulate on its own, it just rules out a lot of reasons why.

The only good thing about having male doctors is that they legally have to always have a female in the room during a pelvic exam and I've come to find that they always have the sweetest nurses :)

On a side note, since I'm blogging, because I'm not in Bismarck this weekend like a was supposed to be then I get to join Todd at the FIRST Black Hills A&M Club party!! WHOOP!!! I'm so incredibly excited to get to meet other Aggies in the Black Hills that aren't also in the Air Force!

No Bismarck :(

Just found out today that my 2 day class in Bismarck, ND was cancelled :( I'm very bummed because I've been really wanting to go to this class, and also see a new state that I've never been too. They have no plans to re-schedule so who knows if I'll make it now.

With that, my HSG got moved to Friday since I'm already scheduled to be off work I'm going to just keep the day off. Todd will also be able to go with me now.