Waiting,Faking Smiles, Isolation and HOPE

My heart is heavy tonight. That's a pretty loaded title huh? Let me break it down by category :)

Waiting
I feel like my life is a series of waiting. Waiting for my period. Waiting for the next doctors appointment, next ultrasound, next blood work. Waiting to take the next pill, next shot. Waiting for ovulation (or at least the shot that makes me ovulate), waiting for the IUI. Waiting to either see one or two lines. Waiting to repeat. It's exhausting.

Faking Smiles
Tonight I spent wonderful time with dear friends and their beautiful babies. It makes me smile but it breaks my heart. Todd LOVES kids. He will play with any kid that will give him the time of day and it breaks my heart, but I smile. I call it faking smiles because on the outside I'm truly happy to see so many happy families and I wouldn't take away a minute of time spent with our friends with children but I sit and wonder month after month if we'll ever have that. Will I ever give Todd the children I know he wants so badly? Will that ever be us? I don't know, but I'll keep on smiling.

Isolation
This is the hard one. Infertility isolates you. It is so hard to listen to people talk about planning pregnancies when you know first hand that its not that easy for everyone. Its so hard to be that couple thats been married for almost 3 years and doesn't have kids in a huge group of couples with kids or kids on the way.  I don't fit the "typical" military wife. I have a career and no kids. To most people I look like a heartless women who doesn't want children. Todd and I often feel like we don't have any close friends here and while we're pretty sure we aren't bad people, mean people, rude people or not fun to be around we always feel like its because we don't fit in one of two categories: 1. young,married, still want to party or 2. young,married,have kids or pregnant.  It seems like being open about our infertility struggles isolates us more to some people because they don't know what to say/can't relate/feel guilty that they don't have trouble trying to get pregnant but I also feel like our lack of children and lack of desire to party like we did in college isolates us as well.  I feel like we're just stuck in this weird place and I don't like it.

Hope
But there is HOPE. Our church sermon this morning was about hope. Hope for new beginnings. Hope in God's promises.  I don't know where this journey will lead us but I have hope that God will guide us and show us the path.

I will keep smiling and having hope for better days.

Green Light

::TMI warning::

My not-so-beloved cyst previously referred to fondly as CeCe is GONE! After 4 weeks I got the green light to start Provera (aka progesterone to force me to have a period since I can't have one on my own) to start a new cycle. I take Provera for 10 days, wait for my period then will start my last round of Femara.  If this round doesn't work then I'll meet with Dr Smith (the RE in Denver) in January to move onto injectable meds and discuss our IVF options.  And thats where we're at with that.

Thankful

Yes, I'm late with a Thanksgiving post.  We just got home this afternoon from 5 days in Texas with family. I'm especially thankful for family. Words can not describe how thankful I am for my family and for Todd's family. We are blessed to have such love in our lives.
I'm thankful for our jobs. I'm thankful that I go to work everyday and do something that I truly love and that makes a difference in someone's life. I'm thankful that Todd serves our country so that I can be thankful for al the freedoms we have. I'm thankful that our jobs pay the bills and put food on our table. I'm thankful that our jobs give us the ability to travel to see family.
I'm thankful to serve a Lord that loves us and provides all we really need.
I'm thankful and I'm blessed.

Seriously? Is EVERYONE pregnant?!

I really mean it. I went to a squadron dinner tonight and I swear I was the ONLY wife either not pregnant or not already with kids. Since the guys got home there is seriously 10 women preggo. I feel like everytime I turn around there is someone else announcing their big news. And to top it off our old squadron commander's wife just found out she was pregnant with her SIXTH kid, and SECOND one unplanned!! Oh, and did I mention she is 43!! I know literally about 15 women pregnant right now and all of them got pregnant within 3 months of trying (or without trying at all). It completely boggles my mind how easy it is for some people and we do SO MUCH and yet its still not happening.

::vent over::

Something Different

A post about something other than infertility. Vacation. While it seems like Todd just got home it also seems like there is something/somewhere he has to go every month until his next deployment. We want to squeeze in a pre-deployment/anniversary trip sometime in late Spring. Where should we go? While we would love to go to Europe we're thinking financially that will not happen. Some other thought are, California wine country, Pacific Northwest, New England, Hawaii. 

Taking suggestions...

This storm

I've heard this song at least 1,000 times but tonight while driving to dinner I turned it up really loud and actually listened to the lyrics. This sums up my heart on many a days...


Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm  

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

And we wait...

Went back to the doctor today to see what the cyst is doing. We named it CeCe the cyst last week since apparently fertility meds and cysts create symptoms like pregnancy except I would only be giving birth to a 8cm cyst. Anyway, CeCe has not gotten bigger but has also not gotten smaller. Dr. Diehl is pretty conservative and doesn't want to operate on it unless it gets bigger/significantly more painful so the plan is to wait 4 weeks to see if it goes away then start Provera (progesterone to make me have a period) to start a new cycle. Basically means we won't be doing anything fertility wise for about 6 weeks (you take Provera for 10 days and don't start your period for about 4 days after) and all we do is wait. One one hand its another whole month wasted but on the other hand even 4 months of treatments has taken its toll on  me physically,mentally and emotionally so I'll take it as God's way of giving me a little break. My left ovary is and won't do anything while the right ovary is consumed with CeCe. Once we start this cycle in December it will be our last one before meeting with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) from Denver in January about injectable meds and IVF.  I would LOVE to think we weren't heading that route but my response to meds thus far is proving that its going to take more than "conservative IF treatment".

That's all thats new here. Todd will be gone most of November. He leaves Thursday for an air show in Miami (tough job huh?) and will be home about 4 days before going to Arctic Survival School in Alaska for 9 days. He'll get back just in time for Thanksgiving.